It's been a while since I've dusted off the keyboard of my Blog...
It's been a season.....for sure.
I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, not just for my past mistakes, but for the misrepresentation of them to others. The misinterpretation of them by others. The constant reminder of them in old stones thrown in current conversations.
I needed to see God.
His Mercy.
His Grace.
His Kindness.
His Forgiveness.
His Love.
I needed to see Him.
Have you ever felt that even though you know God, perhaps feel His presence, you simply need a moment where he comes before you and shows Himself where you can just about reach out and touch him?
I felt like that this morning.
Me, the woman at the well. How many times have I committed the same sins as she? Over and over it seems. No, not those sins, but poor choices no less. Oh, perhaps like her, I had my reasons, valid ones. Just as I'm sure she had her reasons too. And like her, she wasn't the only one who sinned. In arguments, in conflict, in.........indiscretions......... there are two people. Yet I have always felt, have always been told, it is just me. Perhaps it is. Those who care deeply, try deeply. Perhaps not in a perfect way, but in a way that pursues. Runs toward. Never away.
I've felt her shame often in this season.
How do you feel worthy again when punished repeatedly?
I found the answer this morning.
It was in an image before the images I share here.
It was that line in the sand.
There I am on one side.
The sinner.
Ashamed. Humiliated. Remorseful. Raw. Real.
There they are on the other side.
The righteous. They who apparently have never sinned. Or who deemed their sins less a sin than mine.
And then there was Jesus.
And a stone.
And as I stand there very much aware of my own shortcomings, my own mistakes, my own bad choices, my own nakedness, -- I wait. I brace myself. I know I deserve some of what's coming. Not all. Not totally. Perhaps a stone, yes. Maybe a few of them. But a boulder thrown, an avalanche, - no.
I know I've been wrong, confessed I was wrong, apologized for my wrong - yet each time I'm reminded of those past wrongs, I feel myself bracing for the stones thrown. Each thing I've done in the past written on one and thrown. As if the first one didn't make its mark, and still sting.
I mean, honestly, the hardest stones thrown at me, are the ones I throw at myself.
But Jesus doesn't do that, does he?
He throws no stones.
He sees me, the good, the bad, and at times, the ugly.
Today I needed to see myself as Jesus sees me.
I needed to see Him.
And so with a "to do" list as long as my past mistakes and poor choices in the heat of the moment -- I went out to find Him.
As God always does, He delivers above and beyond.
On the way home from dropping off Brandon, I stopped at the store and got what I needed for my "Mission: Seeing God".
A bag symbolizing God's love. A drink and breakfast bars.
And after a few U-Turns on the freeway, I found myself.
Sitting under the overpass. Worn out, outcast, the product of my bad choices or unfortunate circumstances. Dirty from past mistakes. Hungry for redemption, forgiveness. Thirsty for a new beginning. The weight of the world seen on my face.
I pulled over with my bag of redemption. My bag of the Kindness that Jesus gave that woman at the well. Food to fill an emptiness. Drink to quench the thirst for Forgiveness He gave as he drew that line in the sand to make the spotless drop their stones.
I said simply, "This gift is for you --- you are loved."
And a worn face became a smiling face with a simple, "Thank You."
Almost home, I saw myself again.
Standing at the corner, dirty, no shoes.
Reminding me how often I fail........and am me.
Clearly a slow learner in repeating the same mistakes, good intentions gone bad.
I told God to keep him there at the corner.
I needed to get another bag of forgiveness.
And I laugh at wondering how many bags Jesus has had to go get for me over the years?
With Kolaches and Orange Juice in my bag from the Donut Shop down the street, I circled back to where indeed, Jesus kept him waiting for me.
And I gave him what I have been craving.
No, not the food.
Not the drink.
The Jesus.
I needed to see Jesus today.
And sometimes, to see him most clearly, you must become Him.
No, I'm not God.
Not pretending to be.
All those stones thrown at me over the years make that quite apparent.
I simply needed to see His face in Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy.
No stones.
Just His Redeeming Love.
And I saw Him.
I was the beggar under the overpass. And he came, he spoke to me in kindness, and in my mistakes, my bad choices, and whatever else it was that led me to sitting under that overpass, --he showed me love, not punishment.
He showed me that I am more than the sum of my mistakes.
And because God is God and loves to make sure you understand -- I was able to see Him twice.
There I stood at the corner.
Dirty, Barefoot, looking defeated by circumstances, choices, mistakes.
And there He came bearing a hot meal and a cold drink.
Not condemnation.
Not in the list of all the wrongs I've ever done.
Not berating me for my mistakes, not reminding me how many times I've made them.
Simply smiling at me as His Beloved.
He came for me...
Dirty, filthy, worthless, - a failure by the world's standards.
Of all the spotless people, he sought me out.
Me, ---messy, messy, messy, - mistake-filled me!
He came to me and extended a gift of kindness, love, compassion, -- forgiveness.
And I just marvel at that.
~ ~ ~
Sometimes when you see Jesus most ---
You need to go out and be His hands and feet.
Thank you Lord, for what you have shown me today.
Thank you for forgiving me, every day.
