Using God's word to slay the jabberwocky that is satan...

Using God's word to slay the jabberwocky that is satan...

Michelle M Guppy

Monday, March 23, 2020

Of Salt, Service, & Sacrificial Love...

Day 72

Part II

Mark 9:33 - 11:17

A few thoughts on this book of Mark that seems to have a hundred different directions to go --

It's easy being on the receiving end of Grace, but much harder to be the sacrificial lamb.  In the face of tragedy will you shake your fist at God, or will you remember all the ways he has saved you?

Mark 9:19
"Oh unbelieving generation!"

Mark 9:23
"If you can.... everything is possible to him who believes."

When ambition pushes aside obedience and service, it becomes sin.  Pride and status seeking are Satan's tools, not God's.  Serving others is real leadership.

Mark 9:35
"If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

Mark 9:49
Everyone will be salted with fire.  "Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again?  Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other."

In Mark 9:42 it speaks on the importance of cutting sin out of our lives.  Painful discipline is sometimes required of true followers of Christ.  Giving up a relationship, job, or habit that is against God's will may seem just as painful as cutting off a hand....  Perhaps more so.......

The "one thing you lack" of Mark 10:21 is the thing I feel warrior families have down...  When all has been taken from you in the health of your child - not even money is worth anything.  We've learned to value simplicity.  The character traits of God - not the world.  And it has been the richest blessing of all in that......

Hardly anyone I know - family - friend - outside this "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" can understand that.  If they did - we would have had far more help in treating Brandon.  No one, no one in my family, with far too few exceptions,  has been willing to sacrifice a dime to help Brandon.  Yet I sit at my desk daily wishing I could give money to fellow warriors to help them help their children.   It's just so sad...

Mark 10:21
"Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell.  He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Mark 10:27
"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

With the money - riches - wealth - I think the other major hindrance to many with regard to following Jesus is found in Mark 10:43 where Jesus says, "Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

I have seen such great generosity and servanthood in my warrior community.  In the general community, even in the Christian community - not so much.   There have been a few in our "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" who I would call truly humble servants - and they have been the ones in our JOY Ministry at church.  Outside those select few - it has been dismal at best to realize just how few Christians take to heart these verses in this days reading regarding what it means to follow Jesus.....

Wealth is not a sign of Faith.  It is not a blessing from God nor a reward for being good.  Those who seek status and importance here will have none in heaven.  Those who are humble here will be great in heaven!  Instead of seeking to have your needs met - look for ways that you can meet the needs of others.

We are to be the salt of the earth.  Salt symbolizes God's faithfulness.  His sacrifice.  His covenant.  Salt is the flavor - what we as Christians should be bringing to this bland world.  Salt is a preservative - how we should use our faith, our Christian values to help protect against moral decay.

We must salt the world with the sacrificial love of Christ.

I'll leave this day's reading with Mark 11:17
As Jesus taught the disciples, he said, "Is it not written:  'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations?'  But you have made it a den of robbers.'"

We need more salt mines and less savings accounts.

Monday, February 26, 2018

GPS, God, and me...

It's a corny illustration for sure...

But on my most recent and most tedious of drives to the Houston Medical Center (thanks to endless construction and rerouting of routes) I was reminded of the most important things about God from the unlikeliest of places...

My Google-Maps GPS.

I call her my "Ho".

I know, not a very Christian word to use, let alone name for something (or someone!) - I'm not sure why we call her that, it just fits for some reason.  So we call  her our "Ho."

Before the tangled web of construction mess of 290 - one of the main highways to the Medical Center - I knew how to get there.  I'd been there so often over the years in "Life with Autism, Seizures, and a side of PANDAS" that I could drive it blindfolded.  But since the construction and widening or whatever it is they have been attempting to do with it for months on end now - I have no clue how to get there.  I know the general direction - but they have changed the roads so often it's hard to keep up.

So, I've had to depend on my "Ho" to get me there.

On this day, she told me to turn toward a direction that I knew was not the direction of the medical center.  I had cut my time leaving down to the "you have no room to mess up" time - and I guess I was just in no mood for exploring new roads -- so I ignored where my ho was telling me to go and decided to trust my "tried and true" same way there that I've always gone.  Or at least the same direction I always headed towards to get there...

Big mistake.


About five minutes after the point of no return on exiting where she told me to exit, I realized why she wanted me to exit there...

The solid red line on my google-maps screen made that painfully obvious.

She saw a wreck up ahead that I could not see and she tried to warn me but I didn't listen.

I instead felt my way was better.

Thought I knew best.

With nothing else to do but sit in a traffic jam for minutes on end listening to Brandon's non-stop humming in the back seat -- I had to chuckle at the lesson I was painfully and impatiently learning.

How many times do I play this game with God?

How many times do I think I know a better way for me than God?

How many times do I think I know more than God in how I trust me, not Him?

Oh what I could truly avoid if I would once and for all trust and believe how God knows more than me!  How God sees the road ahead and how he tries so valiantly to get me to exit off the path riddled with roadblocks and instead turn on to his path of prosperity?

Oh how I would have arrived at the Medical Center on time if I had just listened to my Ho!

She was trying to be the Jeremiah 29:11 of faith and I refused to listen.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I thought my plan was better and I soooo did not prosper!

And I paid the price for that.

It's hard to have trust like that. 

It's hard to say, "Jesus take the wheel" and to trust where He takes me!"

It's hard to give up control of your life, your everything, to a God you cannot see.

It's even harder to follow in obedience of where he wants you to go, especially if it's a different direction than where you wanted to go!

But that's the essence of what faith is, of what HOPEISM is!


The next time my Ho tells me to exit, I'm going to exit!

And I will trust what Isaiah 30:21-23 promises me in that when I trust God, he will not fail.

You will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way.  Follow it, whether it turns to the right or to the left."  

Much as if I would only learn to listen to my GPS-ho in the car - when I hear God's voice in life telling me which way to go - I will prosper. 

When I leave behind all the idols that lure me away from God, I will find prosperity.  When I leave behind my stubbornness and pride and thinking I know best, I will find prosperity!  When I leave behind anything that hinders me from following God, I will find prosperity!

Then you will dishonor your silver-plated idols and your gold-covered statues.  You will throw them away like clothing ruined by stains.  You will say to them, "Get out!"  Then Lord will give you rain for the seed that you plant in the ground, and the food that the ground provides will be rich and nourishing.

Prosperity comes from putting God first and following him and his directions.

Endless time stalled in traffic jams come when you don't!

When I leave God's path, much like when I left my ho's path, I will face correction. 

Whether it be discipline or a delay.

When we hear that voice - God's voice - we would do well to follow it.

He will never steer us wrong.

(I just wish sometimes His voice was as clear in certain situations in life as "Ho's" voice is in the car when she says, "There's a 15 minute delay ahead, click here for alternate route...)

(and Ho's voice too)

(always follow that when in the car)


Thursday, February 22, 2018

Oh, I know, I'm gonna Rise Again!

Day 72

Part I

Mark 9 - 16

Back-tracking a bit and actually starting with Mark 8:31 because of how it makes me think of the current state of vaccine affairs.  I know, I should be getting more out of this than that - and I do - but I can't help but be both saddened and encouraged by the likeness...

Mark 8:31
He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again."

I see that scripture as what is happening to this entire generation of vaccinated children.  It is horrific all that our innocent, born healthy children have had to suffer because of vaccination!  And talk about being rejected?  No one more rejected than those severely injured by vaccines. They are rejected by society, by the government, by the medical industry, by public education, by insurance, by family members, friends, and even by churches!

I can relate just a speck to Jesus when I find myself screaming out on behalf of my son in asking, "Why God?  Why have you forsaken him? All of them?  An entire generation???"

Why have they had to suffer so many things?????

Mark 8:33
"Get behind me, Satan!"  he said.  "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

In those times when I'm crying out, I would do well to remember the above from Jesus himself.  Satan only has the things of men on his mind.  I need to counter that by always counting on the things of God that will get me through. That will get my son through.

What he has lost in life, he will gain in heaven.

Mark 8:34
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Those promises are what I must stand on in life, in Christianity, and in this crazy, mad world of vaccine injury where the weight of that cross is staggering.

Where the multitude of lies are mind-boggling.

I must remain focused and follow.

In Mark, he asks a great question that Pharma, politicians, and policy-makers would do well to ponder daily in how it relates to the vaccine industry and mandated vaccines.

Mark 8:36
What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?

That's what we've done, you know... 

We have forfeited an entire generation for Pharma to make a profit.

But alas the HOPEISM in what I have titled this the prayer that our vaccine injured children, many of whom are adults now as my son is, -- will rise again.

Back to this day's reading....

A non-verbal boy with seizures...could be about my son, except for him the demon is vaccine injury.

Pharma's correlation is everywhere it seems.

Mark 9:17-29..."Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech.  Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground.  He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid.  I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you?  How long shall I put up with you?  Bring the boy to me."

So they brought him.  When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion...

Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered.  But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

" 'If you can'?" said Jesus.

"Everything is possible for him who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

A crowd came running and Jesus then rebuked the spirit to leave the boy, then he lifted the boy to his feet and he stood up.

The disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't drive the evil spirit out and Jesus replied:

"This kind can come out only by prayer."

I have to stop there, read it again, and put it on repeat again and again...

How many times have I done everything else to help my son before I prayed for how to help my son?

And yet again, HOPEISM...

Mark 9:12
Jesus answer's a question asked of him with a simple, "...and restores all things."

I don't need to know much else about God other than that.

I don't need to count on much else about my son's vaccine injury than how God restores all things.

The son of man will suffer much and be rejected, but <God>, restores all things.

Oh if I could carve that assurance on my heart and feel it every time I question it!

Does that mean he will restore all things the way I hope or pray for?

Probably not.

But it is a promise no less.

He will restore all things according to his will, his plan, his purpose.

And all who truly believe that, who ask Jesus Christ to be their Lord and Savior, will rise again.

Lord, on days when I am like that boy's father and falter in my belief - help me in that unbelief!

Friday, February 16, 2018

More than Conquerors!

This year has already started with challenges, but there is no better time than Valentine's Day to be reminded of what love truly is…     God's love…   His kind of love that conquers anything or anyone!     And no where am I more reminded of that kind of conquering love than in the Book of Romans --- a book about God's faithfulness, forgiveness, peace, hope.  A book about the freedom from sin's grasp in being dead to sin and alive in Christ!  A book about being released from the law so that you might bind yourself to Christ and a life filled with the Spirit! 

But I think the verses where I find myself most loved, are those where it is about our present suffering and God's promise of future glory…
   "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Where God reminds me that:
   "…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

ere the question is asked, in:  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

And perhaps the question of all questions in:
  "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger of sword?"

And ahhhh, what brings me such great HOPEISM on this Valentine's Day and celebration of love, of God's most amazing unconditional love, -- is His answer in Romans 8:37-39 ---

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Isn't that just
the most crazy, mad, wonderful kind of love? 

That is my phrase for the year, that with God's love, we are

In no matter what situation I find myself in...
  nor autism, seizures, PANDAS, nor any conflict, fear, hardship, nor any doubt, disappointment, defeat, nor any betrayal, tiredness, injustice, nor any obstacle on any course we find ourselves on this year…

will separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord!

With a love like that?

Why, Team Guppy can
"Conquer any Gauntlet" that comes our way!


Friday, January 26, 2018

Be Vigilant because the enemy prowls!

1 Peter 5:8-10

Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.  

~ ~ ~

The word "vigilance" has come to mind in a profound way.  Profoundly in that a few days ago I could have died on the way back from taking Brandon to his day program...

Vigilance means the action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties...

No, I wasn't on my phone texting or talking - but I was distracted.  Distracted by thoughts of family conflicts and by the recent death threats the VAXXED Team members are getting more frequently.  I guess my mind was wandering, -- and while I saw the red light before me, I guess I was so distracted that I proceeded as if I was "going right on red" even though it was a left hand turn.

I am Praising God for the "vigilance" of the driver of that ugly gray car that saw me before he hit me.  If he/she had not, it would surely have been a "t-bone" collision right in my drivers side door.  But thankfully, no harm was done on the near miss and we both drove on our merry way to wherever....  Me, thankful for their vigilance, and them most likely cussing me out!  

I'm glad that happened though because it definitely made me step back and slow down and be more diligent, deliberate, and less distracted while driving.  Most importantly, more vigilant in my driving.  Of which I do a lot of each and every day in delivering my son to and from his day program...

But it also was an incident that called me to be just as diligent, deliberate, and less distracted in my daily life as well.  More vigilant in all aspects of my faith, perhaps in that most importantly.

It is not lost on me that for all of this New Year I have been deliberating in prayer what my word, my theme for this year would be...

And I think that day with that incident, at least that prayer was answered.

I need to be vigilant.

I need to keep careful watch over my thoughts, my actions, and my prayers.

So many possible collisions, conflicts, and crisis' of faith can be averted by simply being vigilant.

Complacency is the satan of vigilance, faith, and prayer.
I became complacent in driving by distraction and because of division.

I can become just as complacent in prayer, in faith, in advocacy, in everything!  And much like what could have happened if the other driver wasn't so vigilant, my lack of vigilance in those aspects of my daily life could come at a very high cost as well.  Satan can cause distraction and division to divert my attention just long enough for his evil schemes to devour me.

In my Bible commentary for the verse I began this writing with, it states:

Lions attack sick, young, or straggling animals; they choose victims who are alone or not alert.  Peter warns us to watch out for Satan when we are suffering or being persecuted.  If you are feeling alone, weak, helpless, and cut off from other believers, or if you are so focused on your troubles that you forget to watch for danger, those are the times when you are especially vulnerable to Satan's attacks.  During times of suffering, seek other Christians for support.  Keep your eyes on Christ, and resist the devil.  Then, says James, "he will flee from you" - James 4:7

~ ~ ~ 

I am so thankful for those in my life who are such a support to me, and if you are someone who doesn't have such a support system -- I welcome the opportunity to attempt to be that for you!

The enemy is prowling...

Be Vigilant!


Thursday, March 23, 2017

The "But God" of Obedience

 It was a rare thing for both my husband and I to get to attend prayer meeting tonight at our church....and as always it seems when we do get to go, the message is just for us, or in this case, for me.

I just love that about God.
Tonight in the short message before prayer, the Pastor shared about this day's reading from the "Experiencing God Day-by-Day" devotional book.

It was on obedience and titled, "When Christ Gives A Command" and the last paragraph was this:

Obedience to Christ's commands always brings fulfillment.  When the Lord gives you instructions, obey immediately.  Don't wait until you have figured it all out and everything makes perfect sense to you.  Sometimes God will lead you to do things that you will not fully understand until after you have done them.  He does not usually reveal all the details of His will when He first speaks to you.  Instead, He tells you enough so you can implement what He has said, but He withholds enough information so that you must continue to rely upon His guidance.  Your response will affect what god does next in your life.  Your obedience may affect how others around you experience Christ as well.  If there is any directive God has given you that you have not obeyed, obey that word immediately and watch God's perfect plan unfold in your life.

The Pastor shared about his "crisis of obedience" as I call it and asked for others to share theirs...

I'm living out mine as we speak.

My son has been attending an Applied Behavior Analysis therapy center as his "school" or "day program" - whatever you would like to call it.  He's been there for several years and has made great progress in different areas.  But as he moved into adulthood, it became clear that there isn't really an "ABA" or any program really, designed for their "adult" needs.  Many like Brandon have been "ABA'd" all their life and they are tired of sitting in small rooms doing the same manding and discrete trials using the same things.  They need adult-sized programs in adult-sized buildings with more social and peer interaction and less small room confinement.  They need more current methods of language facilitation and more focus on exploring those possibilities.  They need recreation, social skills, and community outings.  It's a tough situation, those programs insurance fund have such strict guidelines that there is little room for freedom or practical applications.  At least from our experience.   There was a time and place for that strict a program, but that time has passed and I continually felt God's nudging in that.  It's a tough thing to find a balanced program.  The programs that are appropriate don't take those with behavior issues or more specialized needs.  The programs that do accept those with behavior issues and specialized needs do not have flexibility.

I am the perpetual Goldilocks looking for the porridge that is just right for my little fish - where more often than not there isn't even any porridge to choose from.

Which is why it made absolutely no sense to do what I did...

At the beginning of the year we had a new insurance and they denied the claims at my son's therapy center.  He went all of January and insurance denied the claim.  Of course we appealed, but during the appeal I had to pull him out of school because if we couldn't get it overturned, I certainly could not afford to pay the tuition of the month he already attended, let alone another month while waiting for the appeal.

So until we got it sorted out, he was home with me...

Now instead of doing two shifts a day of "life with vaccine injury" I was doing three shifts.  All day, all evening, all night, because for many of us, vaccine injury rarely sleeps.

To say that it was one of the most trying times in our life with autism/vaccine injury is a gross understatement.  To feel trapped with no way out is a feeling that I hope never to experience again.  To think this situation would be the rest of our lives was sheer terror and only those in my shoes will truly understand the meaning of that.   My husband and I hardly saw each other when Brandon had a day program, but now that he didn't, when he came home I had to leave to go do what I needed to do, -- errands, groceries, work-out, escape!  Then when I got back my husband needed to go to bed.  We were reduced to being merely employees of Brandon giving shift reports as one clocked in and the other clocked out.  That situation was not living, it was merely existing.  It certainly wasn't a marriage in any sense of the word.

Yet it's a situation that far too many call "the norm."

I didn't want it to be ours.

While I prayed (begged) to win the appeal so Brandon could go back to his therapy center, I was blessed with some volunteers at our church who let me bring him there a few times so that I could have a break.  It was those slivers of HOPEISM that made me hyperventilate less and think that I could actually survive this appeal process.   But still.... as much as I wanted him back, I knew that God was whispering that it was time to move on.  I felt God was right, but my survival instinct was that there was no way I could handle having no where consistent for him to go during the day.  Even though he only made it to school 4 days a week at best because of seizures, it was four days I could count on.  Precious hours those days where I didn't have "in your face" vaccine injury humming at the top of its lungs so incessantly that I often wanted to gouge my ear drums out with an icepik.  Again, only those in my shoes can truly know how priceless it is to have a daily, consistent break.  Or know what it's like to long for one...

We don't get empty nest.

We won't get golden years of carefree living and traveling.

Our situation is 24/7/365/for life.

What really made me know that God's whispers were right, was that after the very first time I was able to bring Brandon to the church to "hang out" with his friend from the Joy Ministry of our church - the very next day he independently sought out his lunch bag and brought it to me, then led me to the door.  He knew the day before I packed his lunch to go to church with her, and so this was his way of telling me he wanted to go back again.

Never in all the years he went to his therapy center has he brought me his lunch bag and led me to the door.


But the one time he went to the church with this lady, the very next day he brought me his lunch bag wanting to go back....

After nearly a month home with me, my phone rang at like 9am one day.   I have such faith that I saw the call was from his school and I refused to answer it.  I didn't want to hear that we lost the appeal and Brandon could never go back.  I figured hearing it from voice mail would be less of a blow...   But she didn't leave a voice mail so I had no choice but to call back...

When I did, she said we won the appeal, he could return to school!

I asked when he could go back and she said, "Today."

We were there within two hours.

It was a blissful day of freedom for me.  Just knowing that for several hours a day I didn't have to care for vaccine injury means everything.  That we could return to our abnormal routine of actually being home together in the evening to still be constantly interrupted was much better than not ever seeing each other at all.

Life with vaccine injury was once again as good as it could get being the bad situation it is.

I thanked God for answering the prayer, but strangely I didn't feel the peace I expected I would feel.  Jubilation, happiness, freedom that I didn't feel trapped for three shifts, yes.

But peace about it?

I'd have to say, no...

Funny thing about obedience is that you can know you're not in it when you don't feel peaceful about it.  It was as if God was testing me.  As in if he gave me what I wanted would I take it or do what he knew was best for me to do?  What He had been whispering for me to do...

On Brandon's first day back, after he got home I e-mailed the school to ask how he did.  I was hoping I would get some indication that they enjoyed him being back or that Brandon enjoyed being back!  Some conviction that this was the right thing to do, this was the place he needed to be despite feeling God telling me otherwise...

I wanted something to prove God wrong.

The simple response from them with regard to my question was that Brandon had 683 episodes of hand-biting and 2 episodes of aggressive hitting.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I know God isn't "I told you so" snarky like I am, but the words, "Be careful what you pray for, you may get it!" came to mind as I was reminded that God had been telling me to move on.  It was me not listening.

Reading that e-mail was my crisis of obedience.

Would I trust God and do what I felt he was calling me to do in pulling him out, or would I keep the ear plugs in...

I had just lived nearly a month of knowing what it's like in having no where for Brandon to go.  Consistent.  Every day.  Not just when someone could or would. I had just lived through that hell and now God was telling me that it could be permanent.  I mean, during that time he was out of school, I had searched high and low for another day program.  There wasn't one.  I searched for a place he could go every day, there wasn't one.  Other than the few times a friend was able to help, I was on my own.  If my son were more higher functioning, it would be different.  But my son is an every moment of the day kind of person.  A humming every moment of the day kind of person...  There is no putting him in front of the tv for a few moments of reprieve.  There is no mute button when you need a few moments of peace.  There is just constant.

So I did what any faith-filled person would do.  For a few more days after that I ignored God's yelling at this point and kept sending him back to school knowing it was not what I was to do, but it was everything my flesh screamed for me to continue doing.

After he was back in his program a couple days, I couldn't ignore what I knew I was being called to do and I choose obedience.  I decided to pull him out.  At that time I didn't have a plan for what next.  I had possibilities, but no permanent plans.

These lines from the above devotional were literally played out before me...

When the Lord gives you instructions, obey immediately.  Don't wait until you have figured it all out and everything makes perfect sense to you.  Sometimes God will lead you to do things that you will not fully understand until after you have done them.

(ok, so maybe not so much immediately, but eventually....)

I met with some servant-heart women about a possible plan for Brandon in this interim until I could find something appropriate and consistent every day for Brandon where he could have freedom, but still work on goals he needs to and that has opportunity for peer and community involvement.  A sweet volunteer was going to be able to care for Brandon at the church for a few days a week, and others would help as they could.

I sent the withdrawal letter to the school.

From that moment on there was no set-in-stone guarantee of anything.

Just stone-cold faith.

I not only stepped a hesitant foot of Faith in the Jordan - but I found the highest cliff, ran for my life, and dove in the Jordan.  Actually more a belly flop, but obedience is obedience, right?

I was sharing this deed I had done with my son, and he was like, "So you prayed to win the appeal so he could stay in school, then once your prayer was answered and you won the appeal and he went back to school you pulled him out?"

Yep, pretty much...

The sting of that belly flop of faith haunted me for a solid week.  I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I made the most horrible mistake of my life. I woke up often in the middle of the night either in sheer panic or drenched in oh-my-gawd-what-did-we-just-do tears.

My mind knew it was the right decision, but my flesh just wasn't feelin' it...

It's been several weeks since Brandon has been in this interim, and while I still don't have a permanent, daily, program for him I do have a sweet attendant care provider who is caring for him a few days a week.

And most importantly, I have peace.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring as far as provision.  It is scary out there how little to nothing there is appropriate for adults with autism who wander and need pretty close to 1:1 care.  It is a scary thought to have to trust people, to trust that they will care for your adult and keep him safe.  I just have to cling to the fact that among all the scariness out there, there is a Savior who has a plan to protect and prosper my son.  I must remain hopeful, prayerful, and faith-filled that God has a place for Brandon and an appropriate program for him.  One where he will love it so much that he again brings me his lunch bag because he wants to go...

Obedience is hard.  

Not having control of your situation, your tomorrow, is hard.

I had been trying to make sense of my "Journey through the Jordan" as I call this time - and couldn't really.  But then God used the tail end of a radio clip to sum it up.

It was Lysa TerKeurst and the part I heard was how when we think we can't get through something, how "But then God" helps us, delivers us, saves us, sustains us.  I went to her blog and she had "But God" scriptures listed to go along with what she was speaking about in how we think we can't get through something, but then God....

I had to sit at my desk in stunned silence as I realized that from the very beginning of our "From the hell of vaccine injury to the HOPEISM of healing in its many forms" there has been a but then God provision.

Every. Single. Time.

* we were asked to leave a church because of Brandon, but then God led us to a  new one with a ministry just for those like him

* we lost our typical friends from not understanding our life, but then God gave us an entire tribe of like-minded warriors who make us better for knowing them

* seizures have threatened to take Brandon's life time and time again, but then God has sustained him time and time again

* Todd was laid off unexpectedly from a job in a place that had become increasingly repressive, but then God brought him to a different job where he once again feels like a person not a slave.

And the but then God blessing we are receiving now because of the (eventual) obedience in doing what God knew would be best - is that the help we have during this transition time is later in the day so that Todd can come home from work and have an hour or two of peace in his own home.  Which is as close to empty nest as he'll ever get!  He doesn't have to immediately walk in the door to the demands of autism.  That is something we've never had before.  And it's more precious than just about anything.

I can think of dozens and dozens of examples in my own life, but will leave you with a few I chose of those that Lysa shared on her blog...

Genesis 31:42
"But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands and last night he rebuked you."

Genesis 50:20
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  so then, don't be afraid.  I will provide for you and your children...."

1 Samuel 23:14
Saul was in hot pursuit of David.... "But God did not give David into his hands."

1 Kings 5:3-4
"You know that because of the wars waged against my father David from all sides, he could not build a temple for the Name of the Lord his God until the LORD put his enemies under his feet.  But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side, and there is no adversary or disaster.

Psalm 49:15
But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Isaiah 40:8
The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

Jonah 2:6
To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever.  But you brought my life up from the pit, O LORD, my God.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Acts 2:24
But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

Acts 3:15
You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead.

No matter how high the flood waters or how scorching the fire -- remember these lyrics from Tenth Avenue North that are so true when it comes to acting in obedience, in faith, in anything...

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and
You won't let go

With much HOPEISM that the fulfillment of this obedience comes soon,

(like, really soon)

-- an imperfectly pursuing, desperately seeking, and begrudgingly obedient at times follower of Christ who is believing that she will have an epic "but then God" follow-up to this story...

Thursday, October 13, 2016

How he pursues us...

Today I found myself thinking of how God pursues us.

There has been such conflict in certain relationships in my life, and as I was reflecting on that today the word "pursues" kept popping in my head.  I just couldn't get that word out of my mind.  I'm not sure why, perhaps as I meditate on it more I will have more to add, -- but for now I think it is to give me an idea of God's pursuit of us.

Of me.

I have found myself frustrated beyond belief in the pursuit of trying to restore a relationship only to be met with a brick wall.  Total lack of anything in reciprocation.  And I guess in those repeated attempts, -- in the hurt and frustration and disappointment in that the only response there has been, has been more mud-slinging -- I finally understood God's pursuit of me.  I finally understood how he felt when he has pursued me only to be met with a brick wall, rejection, denial, disappointment.  I know how hurt I've been by those brick walls in my life - and now I think I finally understand a fraction of the hurt God has had with me at times when I've ignored his pursuit of me.

I have tried and tried and tried.  I have proverbially knocked on the door so many times my knuckles have bled.  I have pursued...  Yet nothing.  No answer.  I am about to the point where I just want to give up.  Stop trying.  I've considered that all day and have again marveled at the realization of just how persistent God is in his pursuit of us in how no matter how thick the brick wall, no matter how long the rejection, he will never, ever give up!


He will continue his pursuit of us!

Of me!

How comforting that was to realize for perhaps the first time in my life, the sheer depth, breadth, and width of his love and pursuit of me.  In the face of such rejection, to know that there is indeed someone who will never reject a relationship with me.  Someone who will embrace that "Never Quit" mentality. Someone who values his relationship with me so much that he will let nothing stand in the way of his pursuit of it.

I've wallowed in my own hurt at how others have ignored any attempt at restoration, and all that time I could have been relishing in all the ways God pursues me!

God will never ignore me, he will always pursue me.

God will never reject me, he will always pursue me and love me.

God will never give up on me, he will always pursue me and be there for me.

God will never falsely accuse me, he will always pursue me and show me the truth.

I wish everyone could understand that kind of pursuit.

Maybe then we wouldn't take it for granted when those around us here on earth care enough to pursue us yet we reject them.  We ignore their attempts, no matter how imperfect they might be.  I wish people understood that anything worth having is worth pursuing.  We must pursue relationships, we must pursue our faith, we must pursue being a follower of Christ.

We cannot just sit back and do nothing and expect things to change.

We must pursue change.

Because much like with God if we wait too long to accept his pursuit of us, there does come a time when it's too late.

Opportunity lost.

For eternity.